4 weeks ago
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
How women get pee on the seat?
How the HELL does this happen.
Now, I myself am a woman, and save for one very, very drunken evening at the eldo, after a boxing match in college, I have NEVER peed on a toilet seat, EVER.
I have been peeing on my own for quite some time now and have never seemed to encounter a reason where a dribble of pee hits the seat. How does it happen? Someone please explain the physics of getting pee on seat when you are woman? You sit down, I am assuming your girl goods are below the seat, it seems rather odd to me that if your girl goods are below the seat line that pee would jump up at you.
Perhaps this is from people are hover and don't actually sit. However, even in this case wouldn't it be a lot of pee and not just a lone straggler? And if you are a hoverer, why are you contributing to the nastiness of a public bathroom by leaving your very own pee on the seat. BTW I don't get hovering, and I myself don't frequent bathrooms that are of the nasty variety. The pee seats I'm talking about occur at respectable joints.
Lastly, if for some strange and awful reason this did occur to me, I would most certainly have the decency to WIPE IT OFF, not wait for the next mystery shopper to take a seat and realize, all too late they have been PEED.
And while i'm on pee......................
What's with the pee prego stick right up by people's faces?
People.... Really.... it's a stick with pee on it!!! I have seen countless pics of women and their baby daddy posed with the prego pee stick.
I don't get it. I mean I get the wonderful announcement of a prego - ness state, but... Really?
It's a pee stick and you are shoving it right next either, your face or your baby daddy's face.
I don't know about you but I don't want my own pee that close to me. It's the reason I have a toilet in my home, so I don't have to deal with handling my own waste material.
How the HELL does this happen.
Now, I myself am a woman, and save for one very, very drunken evening at the eldo, after a boxing match in college, I have NEVER peed on a toilet seat, EVER.
I have been peeing on my own for quite some time now and have never seemed to encounter a reason where a dribble of pee hits the seat. How does it happen? Someone please explain the physics of getting pee on seat when you are woman? You sit down, I am assuming your girl goods are below the seat, it seems rather odd to me that if your girl goods are below the seat line that pee would jump up at you.
Perhaps this is from people are hover and don't actually sit. However, even in this case wouldn't it be a lot of pee and not just a lone straggler? And if you are a hoverer, why are you contributing to the nastiness of a public bathroom by leaving your very own pee on the seat. BTW I don't get hovering, and I myself don't frequent bathrooms that are of the nasty variety. The pee seats I'm talking about occur at respectable joints.
Lastly, if for some strange and awful reason this did occur to me, I would most certainly have the decency to WIPE IT OFF, not wait for the next mystery shopper to take a seat and realize, all too late they have been PEED.
And while i'm on pee......................
What's with the pee prego stick right up by people's faces?
People.... Really.... it's a stick with pee on it!!! I have seen countless pics of women and their baby daddy posed with the prego pee stick.
I don't get it. I mean I get the wonderful announcement of a prego - ness state, but... Really?
It's a pee stick and you are shoving it right next either, your face or your baby daddy's face.
I don't know about you but I don't want my own pee that close to me. It's the reason I have a toilet in my home, so I don't have to deal with handling my own waste material.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Should you ever be inclined to commit a crime, embezzle some money.
Yes, you will have a felony on your record, however if you going to commit a crime this won't really bother you. You will not serve jail time, you might get probation, but it certainly won't be the house arrest kind. The court will order you to pay all the money back, but they can't really make you pay it back.
So as crimes go you can embezzle 6 figures, send money across state lines, transfer money out of one acocunt into another, have your bills auto deducted from your employer's checking account and you will not go to jail, and you will not really have to pay it back. Even though that's what the court will say you have to do.
Just a recomendation.
Yes, you will have a felony on your record, however if you going to commit a crime this won't really bother you. You will not serve jail time, you might get probation, but it certainly won't be the house arrest kind. The court will order you to pay all the money back, but they can't really make you pay it back.
So as crimes go you can embezzle 6 figures, send money across state lines, transfer money out of one acocunt into another, have your bills auto deducted from your employer's checking account and you will not go to jail, and you will not really have to pay it back. Even though that's what the court will say you have to do.
Just a recomendation.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
This show rocks!!
It's on ESPN and the 1 hour show is about sports, go figure since it's on ESPN.
These sports stories are FANTASTIC. In a time when the "news" is all murders and gangs and failing schools, and the failing economy, this show has some of the coolest people around.
Some famous, like Tiger or Dwanye Wade, some Nascar dude and Brett Farve. But the majority are people who surmount amazing odds and they do it without the need for admiration or glad handing.
There was the 8 yo boy was born with a cancerous tumor in is leg and his parents made the decision to amputate it at the pelvis. He plays soccer (he was so good he had to move leagues), football (asked his coach if there was anyway he could play QB and they could run the shotgun formation), wrestling etc.
There was the man who walked every hole of the PGA tour (900 miles in 44 weeks). He has cerbal palsy.
There was the young man who never saw his mother sober until he was 19 yo. He saw her shoot up, deal, go to jail, and then start a ministry. He is Dwayne Wade.
There was the 20 something yo who is bound to a wheelchair and helped coach the Hawaii football team. That same team then carried him up stairs, in his chair, so he could be in a team photo when they won a major game.
There are any number of stories where people saved a community, gave it hope, or at the very least helped another individual.
I cry every time I watch this show. Not only for the truly spectacular stories, but also for the reminder that the news at 4, 430 5, 530, 6, and 11 (do we really need that MUCH news?) does not encompass us.
These stories, E:60, encompasses us as a people, all the good and bad, the triumphs, the heartache, and the broken roads to redemption.
It's on ESPN and the 1 hour show is about sports, go figure since it's on ESPN.
These sports stories are FANTASTIC. In a time when the "news" is all murders and gangs and failing schools, and the failing economy, this show has some of the coolest people around.
Some famous, like Tiger or Dwanye Wade, some Nascar dude and Brett Farve. But the majority are people who surmount amazing odds and they do it without the need for admiration or glad handing.
There was the 8 yo boy was born with a cancerous tumor in is leg and his parents made the decision to amputate it at the pelvis. He plays soccer (he was so good he had to move leagues), football (asked his coach if there was anyway he could play QB and they could run the shotgun formation), wrestling etc.
There was the man who walked every hole of the PGA tour (900 miles in 44 weeks). He has cerbal palsy.
There was the young man who never saw his mother sober until he was 19 yo. He saw her shoot up, deal, go to jail, and then start a ministry. He is Dwayne Wade.
There was the 20 something yo who is bound to a wheelchair and helped coach the Hawaii football team. That same team then carried him up stairs, in his chair, so he could be in a team photo when they won a major game.
There are any number of stories where people saved a community, gave it hope, or at the very least helped another individual.
I cry every time I watch this show. Not only for the truly spectacular stories, but also for the reminder that the news at 4, 430 5, 530, 6, and 11 (do we really need that MUCH news?) does not encompass us.
These stories, E:60, encompasses us as a people, all the good and bad, the triumphs, the heartache, and the broken roads to redemption.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I was watching some TV show on Garth Brooks and they showed a video of his. In this video it rains constantly, day and night, indoors or out. I saw this and thought - that's it, that's the metaphor for my current life.
It has been a very difficult and trying year:
January
a very dear family friend died in his sleep. He had trouble with drugs in the past, and most people thought he had OD'd. He hadn't. The results came back on his toxicology - he had died due to the combo of drugs he had been prescribed just before his death and he had taken exactly what he was supposed to, verified by the police and he had nothing in his system he wasn't supposed to have. Tragic.
His funeral was the most difficult I have ever attended. The church was standing room only. When I hugged his parents it was as if they knew you had known their son and they wanted whatever piece of him you had been lucky to enough to know, back. The pain was palpable in the air. It was the saddest thing I have ever experienced in my adult life. There were kids still in high school or just out of school, still with letterman's jackets, all sitting in a row with dark faces trying gallantly to be MEN, yet their feelings betrayed them all and tears ran down.
March
A neighbor from the cul-d-sac I grew up on passed away after a long fight with cancer. His funeral was in the same church as the young man above, which is the church I grew up in. This funeral was different yet still the same sadness for a life not yet finished.
June
My husband's cousin passed away. Another funeral, although this one was -um, how to say it politely...... different. There was a photographer (actually asked for the "deceased wife, deceased mother and father. Please come over here for a picture.) WTF? The pastor gave a sermon for OVER 1 1/2 hours. Again, WTF? Then there was the "alter call"** - I'm all about getting my Jesus on, but I felt uncomfortable having a person stand at the altar and say "if you have felt Jesus, please come up here and share that experience. If you have found god today you must come up and share." Then point at various people in the crowd with an expression that volleyed between true belief and mania. It was a funeral lady- people are sad, people are angry.
But whatever. To each their own.
July/August
My grandfather is dx with cancer, my aunt, his daughter - dx w/ the same cancer. She dies at the end of august. My grandfather starts chemo. The loser of a woman who worked for my father for 12 years embezzled a large sum of money (see previous posts)
September/ Oct
the aftermath of the bandit, Cancergramps Chemo etc, etc.
November
My great uncle passed away on Saturday morning. While I did not get to spend a huge quantity of time with him, I knew him very well through the stories I heard from my family. He and his wife ran a farm for many years and once a son in law ran over their 10 yo daughter's favorite dog with a farm machine. My great uncle said to his son in law " We're going to tell her I ran over him. She'll hate you if she knew you ran him over, she'll always love me." There was a cemetery (where he, my uncle, not the dog was buried) just up the road from their home which always led to stories. My favorite memory of him was when we told him we were getting our dog's teeth cleaned. He looked at us as if we had instantly gone crazy and responded by saying, "it's... a.... dog..." Spoken like a man who grew up and ran a farm. At his funeral my Mom said someone told a story of when he and his wife were newly married and having difficult times he said, " Honey, we'll have a beautiful family, and we'll have this farm, the rest of doesn't really matter." Or when someone said to he they had gotten a great deal on something, he natural response was "Did you need it?" And finally to my Great unlce, in the words you showered on everyone " Good job, well done."
When my Mom called and told me he has passed away, my immediate thought was "what a blessing." To die without the awful tugging of here and there, for years. He had Parkinson’s and had difficulty doing the day to day tasks one must do. But he was not caged; he was surrounded by family who loved him dearly.
What a blessing to pass in peace, not be robbed of every moment your soul has left by cancer or fear or, as my grandmother has every day for 10 years, be robbed slowly of your functions and abandoned by many of your children.
What a blessing in deed. I guess, even in dark clouds and rainstorms, there is beauty, you just have to search much harder to find it.
It has been a very difficult and trying year:
January
a very dear family friend died in his sleep. He had trouble with drugs in the past, and most people thought he had OD'd. He hadn't. The results came back on his toxicology - he had died due to the combo of drugs he had been prescribed just before his death and he had taken exactly what he was supposed to, verified by the police and he had nothing in his system he wasn't supposed to have. Tragic.
His funeral was the most difficult I have ever attended. The church was standing room only. When I hugged his parents it was as if they knew you had known their son and they wanted whatever piece of him you had been lucky to enough to know, back. The pain was palpable in the air. It was the saddest thing I have ever experienced in my adult life. There were kids still in high school or just out of school, still with letterman's jackets, all sitting in a row with dark faces trying gallantly to be MEN, yet their feelings betrayed them all and tears ran down.
March
A neighbor from the cul-d-sac I grew up on passed away after a long fight with cancer. His funeral was in the same church as the young man above, which is the church I grew up in. This funeral was different yet still the same sadness for a life not yet finished.
June
My husband's cousin passed away. Another funeral, although this one was -um, how to say it politely...... different. There was a photographer (actually asked for the "deceased wife, deceased mother and father. Please come over here for a picture.) WTF? The pastor gave a sermon for OVER 1 1/2 hours. Again, WTF? Then there was the "alter call"** - I'm all about getting my Jesus on, but I felt uncomfortable having a person stand at the altar and say "if you have felt Jesus, please come up here and share that experience. If you have found god today you must come up and share." Then point at various people in the crowd with an expression that volleyed between true belief and mania. It was a funeral lady- people are sad, people are angry.
But whatever. To each their own.
July/August
My grandfather is dx with cancer, my aunt, his daughter - dx w/ the same cancer. She dies at the end of august. My grandfather starts chemo. The loser of a woman who worked for my father for 12 years embezzled a large sum of money (see previous posts)
September/ Oct
the aftermath of the bandit, Cancergramps Chemo etc, etc.
November
My great uncle passed away on Saturday morning. While I did not get to spend a huge quantity of time with him, I knew him very well through the stories I heard from my family. He and his wife ran a farm for many years and once a son in law ran over their 10 yo daughter's favorite dog with a farm machine. My great uncle said to his son in law " We're going to tell her I ran over him. She'll hate you if she knew you ran him over, she'll always love me." There was a cemetery (where he, my uncle, not the dog was buried) just up the road from their home which always led to stories. My favorite memory of him was when we told him we were getting our dog's teeth cleaned. He looked at us as if we had instantly gone crazy and responded by saying, "it's... a.... dog..." Spoken like a man who grew up and ran a farm. At his funeral my Mom said someone told a story of when he and his wife were newly married and having difficult times he said, " Honey, we'll have a beautiful family, and we'll have this farm, the rest of doesn't really matter." Or when someone said to he they had gotten a great deal on something, he natural response was "Did you need it?" And finally to my Great unlce, in the words you showered on everyone " Good job, well done."
When my Mom called and told me he has passed away, my immediate thought was "what a blessing." To die without the awful tugging of here and there, for years. He had Parkinson’s and had difficulty doing the day to day tasks one must do. But he was not caged; he was surrounded by family who loved him dearly.
What a blessing to pass in peace, not be robbed of every moment your soul has left by cancer or fear or, as my grandmother has every day for 10 years, be robbed slowly of your functions and abandoned by many of your children.
What a blessing in deed. I guess, even in dark clouds and rainstorms, there is beauty, you just have to search much harder to find it.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
He has been begging, really begging, "to die."
He can't bear the thought of waiting everyday to know he's life is one step closer to ending.
Even though we are all one step closer everyday to death, he sits on is couch daily, refusing to do anything other than sit and watch tv, with the knowledge that cancer all over is killing him. He can feel the tumor in his lung, and cancer everywhere else does unkind things to a man who worked his whole life. He worked until 2 months ago, everyday. He's 82 or 83 depending on what dayit is. I had the pleasure of seeing everyday for the last 6 1/2 years at work. And now he has sentenced himself to sit and wait for death to come.
Yesterday, Hospice suggested Christmas, if he was Lucky. He asks everyone, everyday, "when am I going to die."My Dad told me this news, and in his true fashion he followed it up with "hey, no big deal, he knew it was coming." He didn't say this with malice or without thought, it's how it operates - It is what it is.
My response was, "well, it matters to him, now he has an expiration date!" My father, dear man that he is, who says when he dies, he wants a tombstone that says "here I lay, upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass." Or alternatively when he thinks he might want to be cremated, he says "what the hell, crispy critter me." Laughed at the thought of an expiration date, the kind of laugh where you have to hold yourself up or the world may crash down on you.
See Cancer gramps thing has always been "check the code" - The expiration date for food. Routinely at Cancer Gramps house you hear, "you better check the code" I don't want to get sick, you've never seen what it's like trying to get 10 lbs of shit into a 5 lb bag." (Don’t know if I've mentioned before Cancer Gramps has a colostomy and has for 20 some odd years due to colon cancer, so for him it is literally trying to put 10 lbs into a 5 lbs bag).
So it has happened, my dearly loved CancerGramps has received his kind expiration date.
My heart breaks
He can't bear the thought of waiting everyday to know he's life is one step closer to ending.
Even though we are all one step closer everyday to death, he sits on is couch daily, refusing to do anything other than sit and watch tv, with the knowledge that cancer all over is killing him. He can feel the tumor in his lung, and cancer everywhere else does unkind things to a man who worked his whole life. He worked until 2 months ago, everyday. He's 82 or 83 depending on what dayit is. I had the pleasure of seeing everyday for the last 6 1/2 years at work. And now he has sentenced himself to sit and wait for death to come.
Yesterday, Hospice suggested Christmas, if he was Lucky. He asks everyone, everyday, "when am I going to die."My Dad told me this news, and in his true fashion he followed it up with "hey, no big deal, he knew it was coming." He didn't say this with malice or without thought, it's how it operates - It is what it is.
My response was, "well, it matters to him, now he has an expiration date!" My father, dear man that he is, who says when he dies, he wants a tombstone that says "here I lay, upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass." Or alternatively when he thinks he might want to be cremated, he says "what the hell, crispy critter me." Laughed at the thought of an expiration date, the kind of laugh where you have to hold yourself up or the world may crash down on you.
See Cancer gramps thing has always been "check the code" - The expiration date for food. Routinely at Cancer Gramps house you hear, "you better check the code" I don't want to get sick, you've never seen what it's like trying to get 10 lbs of shit into a 5 lb bag." (Don’t know if I've mentioned before Cancer Gramps has a colostomy and has for 20 some odd years due to colon cancer, so for him it is literally trying to put 10 lbs into a 5 lbs bag).
So it has happened, my dearly loved CancerGramps has received his kind expiration date.
My heart breaks
Monday, November 3, 2008
I will be turning 30 shortly and I must say it feels....... distant, unfinished, unnecessary.
I am not hung up on the "30" aspect, I could care less about age, 30 feels no different than 29, just like 28 felt no different than 29. I think my unrest comes from feeling less and less satisfied with my life and more and more concerned I'm not sure what to do to fix it.
Maybe it's partly because I haven't accomplished what I thought I would by this age and partly because I feel I have already accomplished much and don't know where to go from here. Don't ask me what it is I haven't accomplished that I thought I would, I don't know, it just feels that my life is somehow....... undone. Not undone as in is incomplete, but undone like a shoelace you keep tripping on.
If my life were the shoe, completely new and shiny, and with all the hope a new shoe brings, the shoelace would always be undone, tripping me up and flopping around without concern for the disaster it causes. So you never really notice the shoe, its' fine looking self, all you notice is the ugly stepchild of a shoelace.
I feel as if there is a shoe weighing over my head and ready to drop at any instant, my whole life I've felt as if I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, and each time a shoe does drop I KNOW there is one who is completely thrilled to take its place. Like a never ending pez dispenser of shoes ready to drop.
So yes, I am turning 30, no fan fair please, unless you somehow got the cliff notes for my life from God. If that is the case I'm throwing one hell of a party and you are all invited.
I am not hung up on the "30" aspect, I could care less about age, 30 feels no different than 29, just like 28 felt no different than 29. I think my unrest comes from feeling less and less satisfied with my life and more and more concerned I'm not sure what to do to fix it.
Maybe it's partly because I haven't accomplished what I thought I would by this age and partly because I feel I have already accomplished much and don't know where to go from here. Don't ask me what it is I haven't accomplished that I thought I would, I don't know, it just feels that my life is somehow....... undone. Not undone as in is incomplete, but undone like a shoelace you keep tripping on.
If my life were the shoe, completely new and shiny, and with all the hope a new shoe brings, the shoelace would always be undone, tripping me up and flopping around without concern for the disaster it causes. So you never really notice the shoe, its' fine looking self, all you notice is the ugly stepchild of a shoelace.
I feel as if there is a shoe weighing over my head and ready to drop at any instant, my whole life I've felt as if I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, and each time a shoe does drop I KNOW there is one who is completely thrilled to take its place. Like a never ending pez dispenser of shoes ready to drop.
So yes, I am turning 30, no fan fair please, unless you somehow got the cliff notes for my life from God. If that is the case I'm throwing one hell of a party and you are all invited.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
