1 month ago
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I was watching some TV show on Garth Brooks and they showed a video of his. In this video it rains constantly, day and night, indoors or out. I saw this and thought - that's it, that's the metaphor for my current life.
It has been a very difficult and trying year:
January
a very dear family friend died in his sleep. He had trouble with drugs in the past, and most people thought he had OD'd. He hadn't. The results came back on his toxicology - he had died due to the combo of drugs he had been prescribed just before his death and he had taken exactly what he was supposed to, verified by the police and he had nothing in his system he wasn't supposed to have. Tragic.
His funeral was the most difficult I have ever attended. The church was standing room only. When I hugged his parents it was as if they knew you had known their son and they wanted whatever piece of him you had been lucky to enough to know, back. The pain was palpable in the air. It was the saddest thing I have ever experienced in my adult life. There were kids still in high school or just out of school, still with letterman's jackets, all sitting in a row with dark faces trying gallantly to be MEN, yet their feelings betrayed them all and tears ran down.
March
A neighbor from the cul-d-sac I grew up on passed away after a long fight with cancer. His funeral was in the same church as the young man above, which is the church I grew up in. This funeral was different yet still the same sadness for a life not yet finished.
June
My husband's cousin passed away. Another funeral, although this one was -um, how to say it politely...... different. There was a photographer (actually asked for the "deceased wife, deceased mother and father. Please come over here for a picture.) WTF? The pastor gave a sermon for OVER 1 1/2 hours. Again, WTF? Then there was the "alter call"** - I'm all about getting my Jesus on, but I felt uncomfortable having a person stand at the altar and say "if you have felt Jesus, please come up here and share that experience. If you have found god today you must come up and share." Then point at various people in the crowd with an expression that volleyed between true belief and mania. It was a funeral lady- people are sad, people are angry.
But whatever. To each their own.
July/August
My grandfather is dx with cancer, my aunt, his daughter - dx w/ the same cancer. She dies at the end of august. My grandfather starts chemo. The loser of a woman who worked for my father for 12 years embezzled a large sum of money (see previous posts)
September/ Oct
the aftermath of the bandit, Cancergramps Chemo etc, etc.
November
My great uncle passed away on Saturday morning. While I did not get to spend a huge quantity of time with him, I knew him very well through the stories I heard from my family. He and his wife ran a farm for many years and once a son in law ran over their 10 yo daughter's favorite dog with a farm machine. My great uncle said to his son in law " We're going to tell her I ran over him. She'll hate you if she knew you ran him over, she'll always love me." There was a cemetery (where he, my uncle, not the dog was buried) just up the road from their home which always led to stories. My favorite memory of him was when we told him we were getting our dog's teeth cleaned. He looked at us as if we had instantly gone crazy and responded by saying, "it's... a.... dog..." Spoken like a man who grew up and ran a farm. At his funeral my Mom said someone told a story of when he and his wife were newly married and having difficult times he said, " Honey, we'll have a beautiful family, and we'll have this farm, the rest of doesn't really matter." Or when someone said to he they had gotten a great deal on something, he natural response was "Did you need it?" And finally to my Great unlce, in the words you showered on everyone " Good job, well done."
When my Mom called and told me he has passed away, my immediate thought was "what a blessing." To die without the awful tugging of here and there, for years. He had Parkinson’s and had difficulty doing the day to day tasks one must do. But he was not caged; he was surrounded by family who loved him dearly.
What a blessing to pass in peace, not be robbed of every moment your soul has left by cancer or fear or, as my grandmother has every day for 10 years, be robbed slowly of your functions and abandoned by many of your children.
What a blessing in deed. I guess, even in dark clouds and rainstorms, there is beauty, you just have to search much harder to find it.
It has been a very difficult and trying year:
January
a very dear family friend died in his sleep. He had trouble with drugs in the past, and most people thought he had OD'd. He hadn't. The results came back on his toxicology - he had died due to the combo of drugs he had been prescribed just before his death and he had taken exactly what he was supposed to, verified by the police and he had nothing in his system he wasn't supposed to have. Tragic.
His funeral was the most difficult I have ever attended. The church was standing room only. When I hugged his parents it was as if they knew you had known their son and they wanted whatever piece of him you had been lucky to enough to know, back. The pain was palpable in the air. It was the saddest thing I have ever experienced in my adult life. There were kids still in high school or just out of school, still with letterman's jackets, all sitting in a row with dark faces trying gallantly to be MEN, yet their feelings betrayed them all and tears ran down.
March
A neighbor from the cul-d-sac I grew up on passed away after a long fight with cancer. His funeral was in the same church as the young man above, which is the church I grew up in. This funeral was different yet still the same sadness for a life not yet finished.
June
My husband's cousin passed away. Another funeral, although this one was -um, how to say it politely...... different. There was a photographer (actually asked for the "deceased wife, deceased mother and father. Please come over here for a picture.) WTF? The pastor gave a sermon for OVER 1 1/2 hours. Again, WTF? Then there was the "alter call"** - I'm all about getting my Jesus on, but I felt uncomfortable having a person stand at the altar and say "if you have felt Jesus, please come up here and share that experience. If you have found god today you must come up and share." Then point at various people in the crowd with an expression that volleyed between true belief and mania. It was a funeral lady- people are sad, people are angry.
But whatever. To each their own.
July/August
My grandfather is dx with cancer, my aunt, his daughter - dx w/ the same cancer. She dies at the end of august. My grandfather starts chemo. The loser of a woman who worked for my father for 12 years embezzled a large sum of money (see previous posts)
September/ Oct
the aftermath of the bandit, Cancergramps Chemo etc, etc.
November
My great uncle passed away on Saturday morning. While I did not get to spend a huge quantity of time with him, I knew him very well through the stories I heard from my family. He and his wife ran a farm for many years and once a son in law ran over their 10 yo daughter's favorite dog with a farm machine. My great uncle said to his son in law " We're going to tell her I ran over him. She'll hate you if she knew you ran him over, she'll always love me." There was a cemetery (where he, my uncle, not the dog was buried) just up the road from their home which always led to stories. My favorite memory of him was when we told him we were getting our dog's teeth cleaned. He looked at us as if we had instantly gone crazy and responded by saying, "it's... a.... dog..." Spoken like a man who grew up and ran a farm. At his funeral my Mom said someone told a story of when he and his wife were newly married and having difficult times he said, " Honey, we'll have a beautiful family, and we'll have this farm, the rest of doesn't really matter." Or when someone said to he they had gotten a great deal on something, he natural response was "Did you need it?" And finally to my Great unlce, in the words you showered on everyone " Good job, well done."
When my Mom called and told me he has passed away, my immediate thought was "what a blessing." To die without the awful tugging of here and there, for years. He had Parkinson’s and had difficulty doing the day to day tasks one must do. But he was not caged; he was surrounded by family who loved him dearly.
What a blessing to pass in peace, not be robbed of every moment your soul has left by cancer or fear or, as my grandmother has every day for 10 years, be robbed slowly of your functions and abandoned by many of your children.
What a blessing in deed. I guess, even in dark clouds and rainstorms, there is beauty, you just have to search much harder to find it.
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