I'm Working On It

I sat with cancer gramps today for quite a bit. He was asleep with i first arrived, but perked up quickly when he realized someone was there to see him.

A few days earlier I had taken him for a walk in his wheelchair and he had told my mom later i was a "shitty driver." Even though his eyes had closed I asked if would like to go for another walk. he scrunched up his nose, pursed his lips and shook his head no. I said "oh wait, you told mom I was a shitty driver" His eyes eased open. He looked at me, eyes so clear, they were the eyes of old. Eyes that are a blue in color like the cavern of a glacier and suddenly there he was..... grandpa, just like he had never left. Like he had never gotten sick, or never had his body ravaged by cancer all over and weeks of the waiting..... waiting...waiting for death to come. He had not slipped away to where ever he goes to wait for death, as he regularly does. He was still with me, and he laughed. Not a lot, just a few bars, a chuckle I suppose. It was the best moment of my day. A simple joke between me and him like we used to and for a few precious moments it eased the pain, his and mine.

Then he said he had to "get to it." Get to what I asked him. He looked at me and said "dying." "Why can't I just die, I wish I could just die." I said I know grandpa and I'm sorry I wish there was something I could do. I know this sounds funny but I wish it for you too." The tears slipped down his face and he nodded. He reached for my hand and I held him as i wiped away his tears and tried to stifle my own.

We spent most of the rest of visit that way - him asking why he couldn't just die and me holding his hand on one of mine and 2 wads of kleenex in the other to wipe away tears. One for him and one for me.