1 month ago
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
i am a firm believer, either you laugh or you cry, and I tend to be a laugher, even when it's not socially acceptable. So this post might seem mean or hard hearted, I promise you it is not, instead it's almost an homage to cancer gramps, he tended to be a laugher too.
Sunday afternoon I went over to cancergramps and he was chilling on his couch. As a side note, these are the ugliest of couches. They are leather and i believe the color is mauve or dark red velvet set off brilliantly against the mid pink carpet. Grandma loved the pinks and reds. You get the idea. So for a dying man to lay there on a couch of that color, does nothing to brighten any one's day. Maybe the couches would be okay not on pink..... doesn't matter.
We spoke for a bit, his lips heavily chapped and his voice failing. They he started to cry. He said again he was ready to go. I said all I could think to say, because i don't think there are words to express the depth of both my gratitude and grief for him. I told him to go, he is a good man, he has lived a good life and if he wants to go he can go, we love him. He closed his eyes and nodded is head. I asked him if he had seen his late wife, he said no, not yet, but he told "him" he was going at 6. Going where I asked. Then he extended his finger pointed and himself and then up to the ceiling. Heaven, I clarified? He shook his head again and I touched his hand, and I said, "Grandpa I don't know if God takes reservations, but if you've got it worked out, it sounds wonderful to me." He chuckled and said for him, they took a reservation. My Dad asked what cancer gramps and I were laughing about and when I explained, my father laughed as well.
Earlier in the day he had told my father that God sent him back twice. Who the heck gets sent back? and TWICE? He more frequently sees his mother and his late brother now as well. (who decided to use the word "late" for someone who has passed? I always think the person just hasn't shown up yet, I digress.) He has asked to go "home" and when we explain he is home, he says "the house with the stairs." He could mean his childhood home, heaven or another home, we just aren't sure.
He spent the rest of the evening not making too much sense saying it takes "his girls" a while to get going. Or making jokes when my father would tell him of people who have called to say hello, cancer gramps waives and simply says bye! in an almost upbeat manner.
He shot up off the couch about 2 hours later and said he was ready to go. We assumed he meant for bed and my dad maneuvered over to help cancer gramps stand up. He was up and then he was down. He just collapsed, no words at all. I looked at the clock and it said 558, and I thought to myself, "I'll be a son of a ....... if he just died I swear to god."
He had past out and was back within a few seconds. He's teeth had fallen out in the fall and I'm looking at a scene, well I can't really describe it. Here's my grandfather, almost indian style, without his teeth and nothing more than skin and bones really. He's whimpering a bit and unable to move himself towards the couch. Here's my father trying to get cancer gramps on the couch so we can get the wheel chair in a place where he can get to it easily. Here I am standing with the chair, feeling absolutely helpless holding the wheelchair, looking at his teeth on the ground. And I thought to myself, this blows goat ass. Plain and simple, blows goat ass. No one should be reduced to this. No one.
We got him settled in his bedroom and I gave him a kiss, and told him I loved him. He said "if I don't see you tomorrow, you're my girl."
My Dad and I stood outside a bit after grandpa had fallen asleep and my usually stoic father, a man i have never seen actually have a tear on his face, had a few slowing making their way down. He hugged me for another unusual minute or so, and I asked how he was keeping it together. He said some of the wisest words ever spoken, "you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's not easy, but it's all part of life and it goes on."
I prayed on the way home through my tears and I said "I don't believe I know more than you but.......God........ I don't know if you sent him back twice, but if you did, next time you see him, if you can let him in, I'd really appreciate it, I'll take one for the team if necessary, but next time you see him, if you could let him in."
Today is Tuesday and he's still here, waiting for his table in Heaven.
Sunday afternoon I went over to cancergramps and he was chilling on his couch. As a side note, these are the ugliest of couches. They are leather and i believe the color is mauve or dark red velvet set off brilliantly against the mid pink carpet. Grandma loved the pinks and reds. You get the idea. So for a dying man to lay there on a couch of that color, does nothing to brighten any one's day. Maybe the couches would be okay not on pink..... doesn't matter.
We spoke for a bit, his lips heavily chapped and his voice failing. They he started to cry. He said again he was ready to go. I said all I could think to say, because i don't think there are words to express the depth of both my gratitude and grief for him. I told him to go, he is a good man, he has lived a good life and if he wants to go he can go, we love him. He closed his eyes and nodded is head. I asked him if he had seen his late wife, he said no, not yet, but he told "him" he was going at 6. Going where I asked. Then he extended his finger pointed and himself and then up to the ceiling. Heaven, I clarified? He shook his head again and I touched his hand, and I said, "Grandpa I don't know if God takes reservations, but if you've got it worked out, it sounds wonderful to me." He chuckled and said for him, they took a reservation. My Dad asked what cancer gramps and I were laughing about and when I explained, my father laughed as well.
Earlier in the day he had told my father that God sent him back twice. Who the heck gets sent back? and TWICE? He more frequently sees his mother and his late brother now as well. (who decided to use the word "late" for someone who has passed? I always think the person just hasn't shown up yet, I digress.) He has asked to go "home" and when we explain he is home, he says "the house with the stairs." He could mean his childhood home, heaven or another home, we just aren't sure.
He spent the rest of the evening not making too much sense saying it takes "his girls" a while to get going. Or making jokes when my father would tell him of people who have called to say hello, cancer gramps waives and simply says bye! in an almost upbeat manner.
He shot up off the couch about 2 hours later and said he was ready to go. We assumed he meant for bed and my dad maneuvered over to help cancer gramps stand up. He was up and then he was down. He just collapsed, no words at all. I looked at the clock and it said 558, and I thought to myself, "I'll be a son of a ....... if he just died I swear to god."
He had past out and was back within a few seconds. He's teeth had fallen out in the fall and I'm looking at a scene, well I can't really describe it. Here's my grandfather, almost indian style, without his teeth and nothing more than skin and bones really. He's whimpering a bit and unable to move himself towards the couch. Here's my father trying to get cancer gramps on the couch so we can get the wheel chair in a place where he can get to it easily. Here I am standing with the chair, feeling absolutely helpless holding the wheelchair, looking at his teeth on the ground. And I thought to myself, this blows goat ass. Plain and simple, blows goat ass. No one should be reduced to this. No one.
We got him settled in his bedroom and I gave him a kiss, and told him I loved him. He said "if I don't see you tomorrow, you're my girl."
My Dad and I stood outside a bit after grandpa had fallen asleep and my usually stoic father, a man i have never seen actually have a tear on his face, had a few slowing making their way down. He hugged me for another unusual minute or so, and I asked how he was keeping it together. He said some of the wisest words ever spoken, "you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's not easy, but it's all part of life and it goes on."
I prayed on the way home through my tears and I said "I don't believe I know more than you but.......God........ I don't know if you sent him back twice, but if you did, next time you see him, if you can let him in, I'd really appreciate it, I'll take one for the team if necessary, but next time you see him, if you could let him in."
Today is Tuesday and he's still here, waiting for his table in Heaven.
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