1 month ago
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I walked into CancerGramps' house today, and I thought, This is a whole life. A whole life lived here and this is what's left. I'm not sure I am conveying that I mean,,..... I don't mean the stuff, the material items.... I mean the life, the laughter, the stories, the moments.... a whole life.
A whole life that is gone now. I have never before been hit so hard by death. I have had relatives pass, close relatives, but never before have I sat on the side of the road crying at a loss, or cried in bed at night etc.
Today we placed him in the "wall" (an area where people who have been cremated can have their own piece of the wall to be interned it) at the cemetery or the "cem" as CancerGramps and Buddha boy referred to it. Buddha Boy would always say "Gotta head to the Cem, see Grandma, talk with her and see Chad too." And CancerGramps would say, "Yep, gotta get to it." and they were off to the "cem."
I always ask Buddha Boy if Grandma ever said anything, he always says no, she's busy. And why they visited Chad I have no idea. Chad was not known by our family, he was a young boy who died and was buried in a small enclosure of his own. CancerGramps and Buddha Boy visited him religiously.
On the way to the cem, i was driving, and a person in front of me was taking their sweet arse time changing lanes and I said "in homage to grandpa, move it along crip." My husband laughed and asked what "crip" was. It was a reference to the handicap sticker the person possessed, grandpa always called it a "crip stick." He always stated he never wanted "one of those crip sticks," no matter how frail he had gotten. My husband was laughing and saying it was such a horrible thing to say, but he could see him saying that.
We got to the cem and my father and mother were walking out with the urn and I started laughing and crying at the same time. Dad was carrying the urn much like a football, cradled safely yet inordinately exposed. And was wondering if cancergramps dog was in the urn. His 14 year old miniature poodle's health declined just as Cancergramps did. I understand it is expressly forbidden to place animal remains with humans (which I don't get ashes are ashes right, and if you want to be buried with your pet ...... whatever). My Dad can be sneaky like that, shifty, slight of hand to put them together. He says he didn't, put them together, and I believe him but I have my suspicions as to whether or not she got her own little box and hidden behind grandma when the cem man wasn't looking.
Grandpa wanted no service, and we honored that, my father placed the urn in the wall next to the BOX my grandmother, to whom my grandpa had been with since he was 20 years old to the day she died in 2001. And my Dad stopped cold. He said if he had known grandpa went cheap on grandma he would have just gotten a box instead of the fancy urn. He started to laugh and we recalled how it took grandpa forever to get ready, and how he would have liked to have one up on Grandma. Here he was in a fancy urn and he got her a simple black box. We talked about how grandpa lived and loved life. There were very few tears. I was just as grandpa would have wanted.
I found a poem that I felt fit what I believe grandpa would have said when he passed, but we didn't read it, perhaps I'll post it here one day.
And life goes on... one foot and then another..... It just keeps going on.
A whole life that is gone now. I have never before been hit so hard by death. I have had relatives pass, close relatives, but never before have I sat on the side of the road crying at a loss, or cried in bed at night etc.
Today we placed him in the "wall" (an area where people who have been cremated can have their own piece of the wall to be interned it) at the cemetery or the "cem" as CancerGramps and Buddha boy referred to it. Buddha Boy would always say "Gotta head to the Cem, see Grandma, talk with her and see Chad too." And CancerGramps would say, "Yep, gotta get to it." and they were off to the "cem."
I always ask Buddha Boy if Grandma ever said anything, he always says no, she's busy. And why they visited Chad I have no idea. Chad was not known by our family, he was a young boy who died and was buried in a small enclosure of his own. CancerGramps and Buddha Boy visited him religiously.
On the way to the cem, i was driving, and a person in front of me was taking their sweet arse time changing lanes and I said "in homage to grandpa, move it along crip." My husband laughed and asked what "crip" was. It was a reference to the handicap sticker the person possessed, grandpa always called it a "crip stick." He always stated he never wanted "one of those crip sticks," no matter how frail he had gotten. My husband was laughing and saying it was such a horrible thing to say, but he could see him saying that.
We got to the cem and my father and mother were walking out with the urn and I started laughing and crying at the same time. Dad was carrying the urn much like a football, cradled safely yet inordinately exposed. And was wondering if cancergramps dog was in the urn. His 14 year old miniature poodle's health declined just as Cancergramps did. I understand it is expressly forbidden to place animal remains with humans (which I don't get ashes are ashes right, and if you want to be buried with your pet ...... whatever). My Dad can be sneaky like that, shifty, slight of hand to put them together. He says he didn't, put them together, and I believe him but I have my suspicions as to whether or not she got her own little box and hidden behind grandma when the cem man wasn't looking.
Grandpa wanted no service, and we honored that, my father placed the urn in the wall next to the BOX my grandmother, to whom my grandpa had been with since he was 20 years old to the day she died in 2001. And my Dad stopped cold. He said if he had known grandpa went cheap on grandma he would have just gotten a box instead of the fancy urn. He started to laugh and we recalled how it took grandpa forever to get ready, and how he would have liked to have one up on Grandma. Here he was in a fancy urn and he got her a simple black box. We talked about how grandpa lived and loved life. There were very few tears. I was just as grandpa would have wanted.
I found a poem that I felt fit what I believe grandpa would have said when he passed, but we didn't read it, perhaps I'll post it here one day.
And life goes on... one foot and then another..... It just keeps going on.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I wish a was a writer. A person blessed with the ability to make you see the sunset on a slightly foggy afternoon, or hear the lullaby of love a mom sings to her child. I wish I was a writer so that I may be able to explain who my cancergramps was, really let people know.
there are no words, well none that i can currently string together to fully encapsulate him.
And now he's gone. Thankfully.
In the past month, when cancergramps was quite literally wasting away, I prayed to God for him to die. For God to take him quickly so he didn't have to suffer the indignities that death brings. He died the way he didn't want to die, wasting away. He had lost so much weight, so much. He was thin in a way I have only ever seen in pictures of the holocaust. He wasn't in physical pain, but he was in anguish over wasting away. He couldn't really speak, except to say wa for water and pee, for well, peeing. Otherwise it was just a string of small sounds that I could never really make out. I was struck that even at the end, when there is very little left your body has instincts to keep you alive.
And I prayed for death to come. I felt like I was somehow betraying God and cancergramps in praying for death. Seems like such an unGodLike thing to pray for - Death, merciful death. Yet this is what I prayed for, for day, weeks and what turned out to be months. I know it's all God's time. I know, I just hoped I had some ...... something.
CancerGramps died on February 16th, 2009 at 2:15pm, 2 days after my father's birthday.
I miss him more than I could ever explain. There just aren't words, at least none that I am qualified to use to explain the depth at which I miss him.
I picked up the phone he used in our office the day after he died. I did it absentmindedly, it was the phone I was closest to, and I receiver smelt just like CancerGramps. He had a very distinctive cologne he wore and I sat down in the chair, didn't pick up the line, even when it madly beeped at me, I just sat. It's odd how a smell can cause you to relive so much, so quickly. I never did pick up the line and we found an entire drawer of that cologne, I think 8 bottles, in his bathroom. Good lord he must have been collecting them every time it was on sale. I don't even know where bought it at, I didn't recognize it.
I miss him.
there are no words, well none that i can currently string together to fully encapsulate him.
And now he's gone. Thankfully.
In the past month, when cancergramps was quite literally wasting away, I prayed to God for him to die. For God to take him quickly so he didn't have to suffer the indignities that death brings. He died the way he didn't want to die, wasting away. He had lost so much weight, so much. He was thin in a way I have only ever seen in pictures of the holocaust. He wasn't in physical pain, but he was in anguish over wasting away. He couldn't really speak, except to say wa for water and pee, for well, peeing. Otherwise it was just a string of small sounds that I could never really make out. I was struck that even at the end, when there is very little left your body has instincts to keep you alive.
And I prayed for death to come. I felt like I was somehow betraying God and cancergramps in praying for death. Seems like such an unGodLike thing to pray for - Death, merciful death. Yet this is what I prayed for, for day, weeks and what turned out to be months. I know it's all God's time. I know, I just hoped I had some ...... something.
CancerGramps died on February 16th, 2009 at 2:15pm, 2 days after my father's birthday.
I miss him more than I could ever explain. There just aren't words, at least none that I am qualified to use to explain the depth at which I miss him.
I picked up the phone he used in our office the day after he died. I did it absentmindedly, it was the phone I was closest to, and I receiver smelt just like CancerGramps. He had a very distinctive cologne he wore and I sat down in the chair, didn't pick up the line, even when it madly beeped at me, I just sat. It's odd how a smell can cause you to relive so much, so quickly. I never did pick up the line and we found an entire drawer of that cologne, I think 8 bottles, in his bathroom. Good lord he must have been collecting them every time it was on sale. I don't even know where bought it at, I didn't recognize it.
I miss him.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
This peice is called "The 10 cannots" it is often attributed to Abraham Lincoln. I'm not sure who said it first but I concur with the whole list of 10.
1. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
2. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
3. You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich.
4. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
5. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative & independence.
6. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
7. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
8. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.
9. You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
10. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they will not do for themselves.
1. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
2. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
3. You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich.
4. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
5. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative & independence.
6. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
7. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
8. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.
9. You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
10. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they will not do for themselves.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Or OCto- Mom......What a name by the way.
Yesterday evening, after I watched all the crap TV that is so near and dear to my heart, I wondered onto Ann Curry and Octo mom.
Octo Momma has a serious dysfunction, well realistically probably several. I'll go into fits of convulsions if i talk about the fact that these children will be raised a single Mom, of her own choice. I'm not thrilled with the single mom by choice jig, but I'm absolutely against single mom by choice for 14 kids.
If you're widowed or abused or your significant other is in some other fashion indecent to have around kidos - bid him/her good riddance. But if that's the case you'll (theoretically) get child support, meaning help to pay for the kiddos, hopefully the other parent will still play a role in their lives. This lady purposely goes out and has 14 kids without a job or a way to pay for their expenses. That's crazy!!
You are setting you kids up for a very tough life. And don't give me that crap about love is all kids need. Hell to the no!!! As I once told my husband - baby love doesn't put food on the table or a roof over our head and in the words of Tina Turner, "what's love got to do with it." Basic needs is what I'm talking about!!!
Absolutely irresponsible to have kids without a way to support them. Totally different if you started out with a job and then lose it, you had a job, this lady doesn't even have a job. And her craptastic excuse that she will no longer have to take welfare when she's working?!! I don't know what kind of job she's getting in the counseling field, but I'm about to send her an email to find out. If you can get a job to pay for the expenses of 14 kids in the counseling field, when you are just starting out, I want to know what it is!!!
Anyway - I told you I'd go into fits......... She seems to be really misinformed about what constitutes welfare. She IS on welfare - disability, medi Cal, food stamps, day care at a CA university - all welfare by a different name, subsidized by you and me. (well a lot more you if you live in CA) On the disability tip, how was she physically able to carry 8 babies when she was deemed physically unable work at a fairly sedentary job? WTF? And if she could work before, how is she going to work now?? Help me out here... Now I have not had the honor of birthing anything, but my friends tell me, pregnancy is like a beautiful disaster. People who carry one can have a tough time, this chick bore 8, and while she was on bedrest for a few months, her back apparently wasn't a problem.
She receives welfare for 2 of her kids too..... I will say it again, some people need help some of the time, this chick is going to need help forever!! And getting disability for ADD?? WTF again, come on here - disability, really??? I believe in disability for those who truly need it, my brother is on disability because he is retarded and cannot hold a job (which btw the brilliant people at the government kept asking us monthly for months on end to prove he hasn't miraculously recovered, dude he's retarded and has been since his blessed little noodle was attacked by a virus, not gonna change now!!)
And octo - wacko saying she'll be able to care for all these kids?? !!!! DELUSIONAL. People have a tough time caring for 2 or 3 when they work full time and Octo Wacko isn't going to have problem caring for 14 and working??? Come the hell on here. Who does she think she's fooling???
OCTO - CRAZY I tell ya!!!
Yesterday evening, after I watched all the crap TV that is so near and dear to my heart, I wondered onto Ann Curry and Octo mom.
Octo Momma has a serious dysfunction, well realistically probably several. I'll go into fits of convulsions if i talk about the fact that these children will be raised a single Mom, of her own choice. I'm not thrilled with the single mom by choice jig, but I'm absolutely against single mom by choice for 14 kids.
If you're widowed or abused or your significant other is in some other fashion indecent to have around kidos - bid him/her good riddance. But if that's the case you'll (theoretically) get child support, meaning help to pay for the kiddos, hopefully the other parent will still play a role in their lives. This lady purposely goes out and has 14 kids without a job or a way to pay for their expenses. That's crazy!!
You are setting you kids up for a very tough life. And don't give me that crap about love is all kids need. Hell to the no!!! As I once told my husband - baby love doesn't put food on the table or a roof over our head and in the words of Tina Turner, "what's love got to do with it." Basic needs is what I'm talking about!!!
Absolutely irresponsible to have kids without a way to support them. Totally different if you started out with a job and then lose it, you had a job, this lady doesn't even have a job. And her craptastic excuse that she will no longer have to take welfare when she's working?!! I don't know what kind of job she's getting in the counseling field, but I'm about to send her an email to find out. If you can get a job to pay for the expenses of 14 kids in the counseling field, when you are just starting out, I want to know what it is!!!
Anyway - I told you I'd go into fits......... She seems to be really misinformed about what constitutes welfare. She IS on welfare - disability, medi Cal, food stamps, day care at a CA university - all welfare by a different name, subsidized by you and me. (well a lot more you if you live in CA) On the disability tip, how was she physically able to carry 8 babies when she was deemed physically unable work at a fairly sedentary job? WTF? And if she could work before, how is she going to work now?? Help me out here... Now I have not had the honor of birthing anything, but my friends tell me, pregnancy is like a beautiful disaster. People who carry one can have a tough time, this chick bore 8, and while she was on bedrest for a few months, her back apparently wasn't a problem.
She receives welfare for 2 of her kids too..... I will say it again, some people need help some of the time, this chick is going to need help forever!! And getting disability for ADD?? WTF again, come on here - disability, really??? I believe in disability for those who truly need it, my brother is on disability because he is retarded and cannot hold a job (which btw the brilliant people at the government kept asking us monthly for months on end to prove he hasn't miraculously recovered, dude he's retarded and has been since his blessed little noodle was attacked by a virus, not gonna change now!!)
And octo - wacko saying she'll be able to care for all these kids?? !!!! DELUSIONAL. People have a tough time caring for 2 or 3 when they work full time and Octo Wacko isn't going to have problem caring for 14 and working??? Come the hell on here. Who does she think she's fooling???
OCTO - CRAZY I tell ya!!!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I've decided I need to bring back some ladyness to my vocab. so from now on WTF actually means ...... get ready for it...... it's really good...... nah it's actually lame......what the freddie.
Now you may ask why what the freddie - imagine seeing freddie kruger in your bed - what would you be saying?
Shit actually means....... should've had interceding thought before now.
Technically i guess that means it would be SHITBN.
I'm trying here. Work with me. I really am, don't tell me I'm really just saying WTF and the same old shit, under a different banner.
I'm not sure what other words carry the same effect as WTF and SHITBN. When you say them, there's no mistaking what your feeling are.
Don't I get credit for trying to add some ladyness in...... even a little?
Now you may ask why what the freddie - imagine seeing freddie kruger in your bed - what would you be saying?
Shit actually means....... should've had interceding thought before now.
Technically i guess that means it would be SHITBN.
I'm trying here. Work with me. I really am, don't tell me I'm really just saying WTF and the same old shit, under a different banner.
I'm not sure what other words carry the same effect as WTF and SHITBN. When you say them, there's no mistaking what your feeling are.
Don't I get credit for trying to add some ladyness in...... even a little?
Monday, February 9, 2009
What a movie!!! If you plan on seeing it but haven't yet - you might want to skip this post until you do.
Hubby and I went to see it this last weekend. Man is it good. Clint rocks the screen!! Even though his character (Walt) was a rude, racial slur hurling, tough man, he was a good man. Now I know people will say he couldn't have been, because of his use of hateful colorful language, but he was a good man. He did what was right regardless of the cost to him. He took a young man under his wing and taught him how to be a man, even when this kid had tried to steal the gran torino. He stepped in when someone should have and helped when he could.
I found it interesting how the racial slurs were bantered around in regular conversation. There was pollock, mick, slopes, giunea, white devil etc. Can these words be hurtful - absolutely, but more often than not, as long as everyone in the conversation is okay with it, it's just playful banter. One of my CancerGramps favorite saying was "loud mouth guinea." It wasn't said with malice, it was two men bantering. In our society we've gone to where EVERYTHING is offense to SOMEONE. I say get the hell over it, 9 times out of 10, nothing is meant by it. Hell in high school we have eddie the whop, bennie the beaner, eddie's little brother was little whop, and a hawian kid was coconut tree. We weren't being mean spirited, or racist, we were all friends.
Back to the movie - Clint's character Walt - his family sucked, and I mean sucked. I actually said out loud in the theater "I'd slap the shit out of her" when his granddaughter walked into her grandmother's funeral (in a catholic church) with a midriff shirt on, showing her pierced belly button and then proceed to text on her phone. I'm serious people. If I was at that funeral I would have smacked that girl up side the head. Through out the movie I was more bothered by his family's actions than any of the slurs running around.
He later says, while at a diner with his next door neighbors - "I have more in common with these gooks then I do my own family." For me this sentence coupled with his granddaughter sucky behavior and her parents unwillingness to stop it, highlighted the complete lack of reverence on our society. Nothing is sacred anymore because supposedly everything contains the same value. Everything is okay now, nothing is better than anything else, everyone gets the same ribbon just for taking part. I completely and wholeheartedly disagree with this line of thinking. Not EVERYTHING is okay. There should be some basic respect in our society. If an old lady drops her grocery's, help her out, hold doors for people, say hello, if you are at the grocery store and your done with your cart, give it to someone rather than wait for them to struggle and get a cart unstuck so you put yours back in place. I don't know, maybe I live in a very unfriendly place, but i see that kind of stuff all the time.
I have never ever in my life sat at a movie and watched the entire credits. But I did, and then I sat there awhile longer until the house lights came all the way up. I did this because I was trying to compose myself. I didn't enter snot from wrist to elbow status but i was crying.
I don't know if was the fact that Walt had lung cancer and used racial slurs just like my Cancergramps (whose name is Walt), I dont know if it was the craptasic family he had that reminds me of my mother's siblings, who except for one, treat my grandma like a leper. I don't know if it was because if the police came to my door and said my father was killed in the same situation Walt was, i wouldn't be surprised and would actually be proud. I don't even know if you take out 90 % of the slurs and add in a terrific ton of laughter - Walt is my father, honest to God.
I dont know what it was but damn did this movie move me in a way a movie hasn't in a very long time.
Hubby and I went to see it this last weekend. Man is it good. Clint rocks the screen!! Even though his character (Walt) was a rude, racial slur hurling, tough man, he was a good man. Now I know people will say he couldn't have been, because of his use of hateful colorful language, but he was a good man. He did what was right regardless of the cost to him. He took a young man under his wing and taught him how to be a man, even when this kid had tried to steal the gran torino. He stepped in when someone should have and helped when he could.
I found it interesting how the racial slurs were bantered around in regular conversation. There was pollock, mick, slopes, giunea, white devil etc. Can these words be hurtful - absolutely, but more often than not, as long as everyone in the conversation is okay with it, it's just playful banter. One of my CancerGramps favorite saying was "loud mouth guinea." It wasn't said with malice, it was two men bantering. In our society we've gone to where EVERYTHING is offense to SOMEONE. I say get the hell over it, 9 times out of 10, nothing is meant by it. Hell in high school we have eddie the whop, bennie the beaner, eddie's little brother was little whop, and a hawian kid was coconut tree. We weren't being mean spirited, or racist, we were all friends.
Back to the movie - Clint's character Walt - his family sucked, and I mean sucked. I actually said out loud in the theater "I'd slap the shit out of her" when his granddaughter walked into her grandmother's funeral (in a catholic church) with a midriff shirt on, showing her pierced belly button and then proceed to text on her phone. I'm serious people. If I was at that funeral I would have smacked that girl up side the head. Through out the movie I was more bothered by his family's actions than any of the slurs running around.
He later says, while at a diner with his next door neighbors - "I have more in common with these gooks then I do my own family." For me this sentence coupled with his granddaughter sucky behavior and her parents unwillingness to stop it, highlighted the complete lack of reverence on our society. Nothing is sacred anymore because supposedly everything contains the same value. Everything is okay now, nothing is better than anything else, everyone gets the same ribbon just for taking part. I completely and wholeheartedly disagree with this line of thinking. Not EVERYTHING is okay. There should be some basic respect in our society. If an old lady drops her grocery's, help her out, hold doors for people, say hello, if you are at the grocery store and your done with your cart, give it to someone rather than wait for them to struggle and get a cart unstuck so you put yours back in place. I don't know, maybe I live in a very unfriendly place, but i see that kind of stuff all the time.
I have never ever in my life sat at a movie and watched the entire credits. But I did, and then I sat there awhile longer until the house lights came all the way up. I did this because I was trying to compose myself. I didn't enter snot from wrist to elbow status but i was crying.
I don't know if was the fact that Walt had lung cancer and used racial slurs just like my Cancergramps (whose name is Walt), I dont know if it was the craptasic family he had that reminds me of my mother's siblings, who except for one, treat my grandma like a leper. I don't know if it was because if the police came to my door and said my father was killed in the same situation Walt was, i wouldn't be surprised and would actually be proud. I don't even know if you take out 90 % of the slurs and add in a terrific ton of laughter - Walt is my father, honest to God.
I dont know what it was but damn did this movie move me in a way a movie hasn't in a very long time.
Friday, February 6, 2009
My family is big on catch phrases and "little ditty's" as I call them. Here are a few of my favorites:
1. Wish in one hand and crap in the other- let me know which one fills up first
2. Use that lump 3 feet above your ass for something other than a hat rack
3. Ain't nobody any better than me, but I'm damn sure no better than anyone else
4. Everybody takes a dump the same way
5. You just keep putting on foot in front of the other
Numbers 1, 2, and 5 are all from my father. He has a knack for telling it like it is
Number 3 is CancerGramps, that’s exactly how he lived his life too
Number 4 is my other grandpa, he’s famous for “the flag” where he would waive his hand, kind of like if you were swimming , and say “ah shit” when someone would say something he disagreed with. He’d do this while sitting in his chair, leaning to one side, sucking to get in air, with oxygen going to his nose. Dismissed literally out of hand, our family generally has very little problem telling you how we feel.
1. Wish in one hand and crap in the other- let me know which one fills up first
2. Use that lump 3 feet above your ass for something other than a hat rack
3. Ain't nobody any better than me, but I'm damn sure no better than anyone else
4. Everybody takes a dump the same way
5. You just keep putting on foot in front of the other
Numbers 1, 2, and 5 are all from my father. He has a knack for telling it like it is
Number 3 is CancerGramps, that’s exactly how he lived his life too
Number 4 is my other grandpa, he’s famous for “the flag” where he would waive his hand, kind of like if you were swimming , and say “ah shit” when someone would say something he disagreed with. He’d do this while sitting in his chair, leaning to one side, sucking to get in air, with oxygen going to his nose. Dismissed literally out of hand, our family generally has very little problem telling you how we feel.
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