1 month ago
Friday, October 24, 2008
I believe I would like to RUN AWAY. Well, actually, I know I would like to run away. No longer be the person is charge of remembering EVERYTHING, answering phones, filing, smiling, doign the dishes, paying bills, feeding the dog, saying "No I can take care of that." so on and so on and so and so on and--- you get the idea.
My friends tell me I should take an extended holiday, relax a bit, not worry about EVERYTHING. I agree with them on EVERY level, EVERY level. However, what my friends fail to realize, is I CAN'T.
Not the i can't in the sense that I can't/won't let go (while that certainly plays a part) I can't because if I am not doing the work, who will? There is no money to have anyone else do my jobs. I can not afford to hire 1 person to answer phones and file, so I can do the billing, releases, data entry, checkbook reconciliation, accounting, federal and state filings and etc. etc. etc. There is no money and I can not afford it.
There I said it. It pains me to no end to admit not only can I NOT DO IT ALL, but I have also FAILED to ensure there is an avenue to pay someone else to do it.
Pains me beyond all recognition to admit it, and I struggle everyday to make sure this does not become a validation that I am a failure and I CANNOT DO anything.
If I worked for anyone other than myself I would have no problem hanging a sign and saying see you in a month and a half (I haven't had a vacation of any appreciable time in 3 years), because it would be someone else's problem to get my job done and someone else would have clearly done what I have failed to do... succeed.
Lord, how self loathing...... gotta find a way to get this done and I will I just wish I wouldn't exile myself off in space. I have to be willing to accept help before some will show up.
A life in PROGRESS
My friends tell me I should take an extended holiday, relax a bit, not worry about EVERYTHING. I agree with them on EVERY level, EVERY level. However, what my friends fail to realize, is I CAN'T.
Not the i can't in the sense that I can't/won't let go (while that certainly plays a part) I can't because if I am not doing the work, who will? There is no money to have anyone else do my jobs. I can not afford to hire 1 person to answer phones and file, so I can do the billing, releases, data entry, checkbook reconciliation, accounting, federal and state filings and etc. etc. etc. There is no money and I can not afford it.
There I said it. It pains me to no end to admit not only can I NOT DO IT ALL, but I have also FAILED to ensure there is an avenue to pay someone else to do it.
Pains me beyond all recognition to admit it, and I struggle everyday to make sure this does not become a validation that I am a failure and I CANNOT DO anything.
If I worked for anyone other than myself I would have no problem hanging a sign and saying see you in a month and a half (I haven't had a vacation of any appreciable time in 3 years), because it would be someone else's problem to get my job done and someone else would have clearly done what I have failed to do... succeed.
Lord, how self loathing...... gotta find a way to get this done and I will I just wish I wouldn't exile myself off in space. I have to be willing to accept help before some will show up.
A life in PROGRESS
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