1 month ago
Thursday, October 16, 2008
My day:
1. wake up late (6:25 am) because I love my snooze button and the ability it gives every day, to make to the world wait just a bit longer.
2. Feed small horse aka BadDog who drools into my shoe
3. Get to work (7:10 am) YES!!!! cough, snort, GOOD to be here4. Get a call (8:30 am) to head to Cancer Gramps - he needs someone with him
5. On way to Cancer gramps, I pass a school zone. Remarkable only because I always thought 15 was WAY T O O S L O W except that today two small children run out in front of me after leaping from their mother's car in a manner that makes me wonder if it was on fire, and promptly disappear from my vision. The disappear UNDER MY FRONT END. Frantic, I'm halfway out of the truck before my seat belt almost hangs me to death and then I see the Mom literally pulling her kids up by the arms and yelling she was "So Sorry" to me out of one side of her mouth and yelling at her children for running into traffic out of the other. I breathed an acres worth of relief. They were fine. I may have had a heart attack, but they were good.
6. Arrive at Cancer Gramps to see him looking the best he has in weeks, only to hear he feels like "shit" and last night hospice nurse wasn't sure how long he had. Oh and the reverend/priest/spiritual person hospice sends out was HIGH. I call my Mom to double check and she states he rev wasn't even there last night. I ask Cancer Gramps what kind of drugs the dear old rev had and whether or not he thought the rev would let us score some. I figure, what the hell he's not sure what happened anyways and insisting he's wrong just increases his anxiety so might as well go with the flow. I do ask if he's had a whacky pill though.
7. After a rousing game of why the Price is Right is on and Cancer Gramps stating he just wants "this all to be over." (and my heart broke). What the hell do you say? He is dying. I can't imagine the awfulness of knowing something in your own body is robbing you of life. CancerGramps takes a nap and I let him know while he's napping I have run an errand. I head to the bank to be told, they "are out of money" ! Huh?! what, say again?! come again. My response is "this is a bank, right?" They are not amused-more on this later.
8. Return to Cancer Gramps, he wants to vote and pay bills!!! Yeah!!!! He's up coherent, ready to rock! Tried to get him to go for a ride in his convertible since it was 85 outside, but no dice.
9. Dad gets to Cancer Gramps, looking amazingly refreshed from his meeting. I ask how was it? He says - great. I said really? He says, yep. I say you lost it huh? He says -"Yep and it was beautiful. “He has this grin on his face much like a kid who knows they were wrong but enjoyed being wrong way too much.
I do love construction though, the land where it is perfectly acceptable to yell, the words “I’m gonna kick your f***ing ass and I'll take your partner's ass on too, just cause he's bugging to hell out of me."
And even after that's all said, people keep right on working.10. head back to work
11. Call Mom whose at Cancer gramps now with Boodha, ask if they would like me to bring dinner over. I get a list, as follows, for El Pollo Loco - 2 breasts (I reminded mom she had two of her own, she wasn't thrilled) 2 legs, mexican rice, veggies, $1 salad with lite dressing. Ordinarily not a problem, except the Crazy Chicken I go to apparently thought it would be a good idea to have the person who spoke either the least or the most english (I'm sure which one) on the drive through window. I can't even begin to tell you what I got but none of it resembled what I supposed to get.
BTW my new philosophy for drive thru's is to say my order really fast and almost unintelligible because even if you say "I would like a #2, no onions and a regular coke, thank you that's all." extremely clearly, slowly and completely intelligible, you still get asked, at a bare minimum "would you like to large size that" and "what was your drink again" and then they repeat it back and it ends up a #4 with extra onions and an iced tea
12. Almost hit a man in the street while heading to Cancer Gramps. Why was he in the street you may be asking yourself? Because he was riding a bicycle while drunk and fell off and into the street, directly in front of me.
13 After almost having my second heart attack of the day, I roll my window down and ask if he's alright, he's response was he was hoping I'd hit him. God give me the strength to make it through.
14. Eat at Cancer Gramps, who has anxiety attack. 2 pills and a pain patch later he's up and moving around, even ate a Popsicle. Dad got home from his game (in his spare time, lol, he coaches football) and then the dam showed some cracks.15 Cancer Gramps reiterated he wanted "this" to be over and he needed to make some decisions. He said he needed to figure out where he was going. The rest of us are trying to figure out the hell he's talking about so I ask where he wanted to go.
He said he had to go somewhere to die.
He says we can't and shouldn't be there every minute but he needs somebody. My heart broke for the second time that day and we all tried to reassure him we are here for him and will care for him. He did the MAN CRY as I call it, the lips and chin quiver and they do everything to not actually cry which is so much harder to watch. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and silently cry in the corner careful not to take too long so no one would know what I was doing.
16. Cancer Gramps, wants us to make sure at his service (which he said previously he didn't want) we tell "the guy" Gramps was a good man. What guy gramps? The priest, "make sure he knows I was a good man, a man's man." Gramps is a catholic and catholics NEVER refer to a priest as "that guy". I say to grandpa "I'm going to tell him you're a pain in the ass."
There's a story here: When Cancer gramps first got his cancer all over diagnosis, he and I went to lunch and he said two things 1. At least I don't have brain cancer and I said no I suppose on the continuum of things, that's a plus and 2. I don't want to be a burden at which point I told him he will most certainly not be burden, but he will most certainly be a pain in the ass. Gramps got a kick out of that as did the nurses, docs, tech, radiation people, ct people etc. that he has told since then.
17. Gramps says again he was a good Man, remembers his daughter's memorial service is this weekend more lips and chin quivering
18. "You know, no one's any better than me," says Gramps. I say- "no gramps they're not and I remember you telling me "no one's any better than me, but I'm sure as hell no better than anybody else either." He says, "Your damned right."
19. We go over questions for hospice people
20. Boodha boy kicks the ancient dog for being in "his" space. That was really fun. The dog was not harmed. My brother has that thing where animals and I mean, dogs, cats, horses- stay WAY WAY WAY away from him. They do this with no prompting, he puts of the "I can't stand animals thing."
21. I head out and gramps says maybe he'd go for ride tomorrow. I kiss him on the cheek and tell him I love him and I'll see him tomorrow. I have never heard grandpa say the word "goodbye." ever. If you're on the phone he just hangs up when he's done or maybe will say "see ya later," maybe. If you're at his house and are leaving he just says "yep, gotta get to it."
He didn't say goodbye.
I was thankful.
1. wake up late (6:25 am) because I love my snooze button and the ability it gives every day, to make to the world wait just a bit longer.
2. Feed small horse aka BadDog who drools into my shoe
3. Get to work (7:10 am) YES!!!! cough, snort, GOOD to be here4. Get a call (8:30 am) to head to Cancer Gramps - he needs someone with him
5. On way to Cancer gramps, I pass a school zone. Remarkable only because I always thought 15 was WAY T O O S L O W except that today two small children run out in front of me after leaping from their mother's car in a manner that makes me wonder if it was on fire, and promptly disappear from my vision. The disappear UNDER MY FRONT END. Frantic, I'm halfway out of the truck before my seat belt almost hangs me to death and then I see the Mom literally pulling her kids up by the arms and yelling she was "So Sorry" to me out of one side of her mouth and yelling at her children for running into traffic out of the other. I breathed an acres worth of relief. They were fine. I may have had a heart attack, but they were good.
6. Arrive at Cancer Gramps to see him looking the best he has in weeks, only to hear he feels like "shit" and last night hospice nurse wasn't sure how long he had. Oh and the reverend/priest/spiritual person hospice sends out was HIGH. I call my Mom to double check and she states he rev wasn't even there last night. I ask Cancer Gramps what kind of drugs the dear old rev had and whether or not he thought the rev would let us score some. I figure, what the hell he's not sure what happened anyways and insisting he's wrong just increases his anxiety so might as well go with the flow. I do ask if he's had a whacky pill though.
7. After a rousing game of why the Price is Right is on and Cancer Gramps stating he just wants "this all to be over." (and my heart broke). What the hell do you say? He is dying. I can't imagine the awfulness of knowing something in your own body is robbing you of life. CancerGramps takes a nap and I let him know while he's napping I have run an errand. I head to the bank to be told, they "are out of money" ! Huh?! what, say again?! come again. My response is "this is a bank, right?" They are not amused-more on this later.
8. Return to Cancer Gramps, he wants to vote and pay bills!!! Yeah!!!! He's up coherent, ready to rock! Tried to get him to go for a ride in his convertible since it was 85 outside, but no dice.
9. Dad gets to Cancer Gramps, looking amazingly refreshed from his meeting. I ask how was it? He says - great. I said really? He says, yep. I say you lost it huh? He says -"Yep and it was beautiful. “He has this grin on his face much like a kid who knows they were wrong but enjoyed being wrong way too much.
I do love construction though, the land where it is perfectly acceptable to yell, the words “I’m gonna kick your f***ing ass and I'll take your partner's ass on too, just cause he's bugging to hell out of me."
And even after that's all said, people keep right on working.10. head back to work
11. Call Mom whose at Cancer gramps now with Boodha, ask if they would like me to bring dinner over. I get a list, as follows, for El Pollo Loco - 2 breasts (I reminded mom she had two of her own, she wasn't thrilled) 2 legs, mexican rice, veggies, $1 salad with lite dressing. Ordinarily not a problem, except the Crazy Chicken I go to apparently thought it would be a good idea to have the person who spoke either the least or the most english (I'm sure which one) on the drive through window. I can't even begin to tell you what I got but none of it resembled what I supposed to get.
BTW my new philosophy for drive thru's is to say my order really fast and almost unintelligible because even if you say "I would like a #2, no onions and a regular coke, thank you that's all." extremely clearly, slowly and completely intelligible, you still get asked, at a bare minimum "would you like to large size that" and "what was your drink again" and then they repeat it back and it ends up a #4 with extra onions and an iced tea
12. Almost hit a man in the street while heading to Cancer Gramps. Why was he in the street you may be asking yourself? Because he was riding a bicycle while drunk and fell off and into the street, directly in front of me.
13 After almost having my second heart attack of the day, I roll my window down and ask if he's alright, he's response was he was hoping I'd hit him. God give me the strength to make it through.
14. Eat at Cancer Gramps, who has anxiety attack. 2 pills and a pain patch later he's up and moving around, even ate a Popsicle. Dad got home from his game (in his spare time, lol, he coaches football) and then the dam showed some cracks.15 Cancer Gramps reiterated he wanted "this" to be over and he needed to make some decisions. He said he needed to figure out where he was going. The rest of us are trying to figure out the hell he's talking about so I ask where he wanted to go.
He said he had to go somewhere to die.
He says we can't and shouldn't be there every minute but he needs somebody. My heart broke for the second time that day and we all tried to reassure him we are here for him and will care for him. He did the MAN CRY as I call it, the lips and chin quiver and they do everything to not actually cry which is so much harder to watch. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom and silently cry in the corner careful not to take too long so no one would know what I was doing.
16. Cancer Gramps, wants us to make sure at his service (which he said previously he didn't want) we tell "the guy" Gramps was a good man. What guy gramps? The priest, "make sure he knows I was a good man, a man's man." Gramps is a catholic and catholics NEVER refer to a priest as "that guy". I say to grandpa "I'm going to tell him you're a pain in the ass."
There's a story here: When Cancer gramps first got his cancer all over diagnosis, he and I went to lunch and he said two things 1. At least I don't have brain cancer and I said no I suppose on the continuum of things, that's a plus and 2. I don't want to be a burden at which point I told him he will most certainly not be burden, but he will most certainly be a pain in the ass. Gramps got a kick out of that as did the nurses, docs, tech, radiation people, ct people etc. that he has told since then.
17. Gramps says again he was a good Man, remembers his daughter's memorial service is this weekend more lips and chin quivering
18. "You know, no one's any better than me," says Gramps. I say- "no gramps they're not and I remember you telling me "no one's any better than me, but I'm sure as hell no better than anybody else either." He says, "Your damned right."
19. We go over questions for hospice people
20. Boodha boy kicks the ancient dog for being in "his" space. That was really fun. The dog was not harmed. My brother has that thing where animals and I mean, dogs, cats, horses- stay WAY WAY WAY away from him. They do this with no prompting, he puts of the "I can't stand animals thing."
21. I head out and gramps says maybe he'd go for ride tomorrow. I kiss him on the cheek and tell him I love him and I'll see him tomorrow. I have never heard grandpa say the word "goodbye." ever. If you're on the phone he just hangs up when he's done or maybe will say "see ya later," maybe. If you're at his house and are leaving he just says "yep, gotta get to it."
He didn't say goodbye.
I was thankful.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 people think:
Post a Comment