4 weeks ago
Monday, December 8, 2008
"Check yourself before your wreck yourself, you better check check yourself before you wreck yourself."
Who new 90's rap could provide thoughtful insights. Lately I have been a funk. Not in a funk mind you, but I am the funk. Yes, life has thrown some curve balls and I feel like I might be in the bottom of the ninth inning, 1 run down and 2 outs, but at least I am in the game. That last piece of the sentence is the most important!!! I have never been a quitter, but, I'll be if this last 6 months hasn't almost beaten me. And to be honest, i haven't felt like I've been in the game in years really.
I have realized my perception isn't helping matters any either. I've never been a why me person. I never thought it would help matters much. Hey "It is what it is" right? I suppose I would just like some recognition that life currently is difficult. I have never had that - ever. Probably partly because I brush it away - don't want to make people uncomfortable. But most people don't even say ""sorry to hear about" or "our thoughts and prayers are with you"
They ask for the details, which I suppose is their way of showing care, but really, I don't want to be reminded everyday my grandpa is dying or every week my brother is retarded.
My friends have never asked what it's like to have a brother like mine - ever. Not in 25 years. And I think I have some really fantastic friends. Granted I push everyone away when life is difficult but still no one has ever asked what it's like. They'll ask how he is but never what it's like.
The loneliness. The feeling every time I hear " my brother and I took a trip ..." that their trip didn't involve containers of meds and seizures, fits of rage and moments so tense it feels like the entire world will snap under the pressure. Or their bother or sister is playing a sport, graduating, getting married, dating, have a baby - mine never will. I have no one to help shoulder the burden, as I am, for all intents and purposes an only child, without most of the benefits. Except as a friend reminded me - "at least you get everything when your parents pass, you don't have to fight over anything." Yes you are right, I get it all, all the worry, the stress, the where will he live, the how do i pay for it, the constant terrbile heart pounding fear he will not be treated well, or even fairly, that he will be taken advantage of.
So yes I get it all.
I know I am not alone in this pain, there have to be thousands of siblings like me, I just haven't run in to anyone willing to talk about it. It's like a lifetime of grieving daily. You grieve for the loss of the sibling you knew, and then at every turn in life - graduations, jobs, dating, marriage, trips, activities, births, things as simple as making dinner, driving - at every phase of life you grieve again for the loss a sibling who won't be able to experience those things with you, or share in the experience the way a "normal" sibling would.
I don't know if this grief is unlike grief for a person who passes, after all that person won't get the experience all the things that happen after they pass. I have lost grandparents, and it seems to fade after awhile, the constant dull thud of a life not there to be lived. But with my brother, he is there, everyday, a reminder of what could have been, a hope of what could be. And maybe it's not fair of me, to place it all on him
after all "It is what It is."
Who new 90's rap could provide thoughtful insights. Lately I have been a funk. Not in a funk mind you, but I am the funk. Yes, life has thrown some curve balls and I feel like I might be in the bottom of the ninth inning, 1 run down and 2 outs, but at least I am in the game. That last piece of the sentence is the most important!!! I have never been a quitter, but, I'll be if this last 6 months hasn't almost beaten me. And to be honest, i haven't felt like I've been in the game in years really.
I have realized my perception isn't helping matters any either. I've never been a why me person. I never thought it would help matters much. Hey "It is what it is" right? I suppose I would just like some recognition that life currently is difficult. I have never had that - ever. Probably partly because I brush it away - don't want to make people uncomfortable. But most people don't even say ""sorry to hear about" or "our thoughts and prayers are with you"
They ask for the details, which I suppose is their way of showing care, but really, I don't want to be reminded everyday my grandpa is dying or every week my brother is retarded.
My friends have never asked what it's like to have a brother like mine - ever. Not in 25 years. And I think I have some really fantastic friends. Granted I push everyone away when life is difficult but still no one has ever asked what it's like. They'll ask how he is but never what it's like.
The loneliness. The feeling every time I hear " my brother and I took a trip ..." that their trip didn't involve containers of meds and seizures, fits of rage and moments so tense it feels like the entire world will snap under the pressure. Or their bother or sister is playing a sport, graduating, getting married, dating, have a baby - mine never will. I have no one to help shoulder the burden, as I am, for all intents and purposes an only child, without most of the benefits. Except as a friend reminded me - "at least you get everything when your parents pass, you don't have to fight over anything." Yes you are right, I get it all, all the worry, the stress, the where will he live, the how do i pay for it, the constant terrbile heart pounding fear he will not be treated well, or even fairly, that he will be taken advantage of.
So yes I get it all.
I know I am not alone in this pain, there have to be thousands of siblings like me, I just haven't run in to anyone willing to talk about it. It's like a lifetime of grieving daily. You grieve for the loss of the sibling you knew, and then at every turn in life - graduations, jobs, dating, marriage, trips, activities, births, things as simple as making dinner, driving - at every phase of life you grieve again for the loss a sibling who won't be able to experience those things with you, or share in the experience the way a "normal" sibling would.
I don't know if this grief is unlike grief for a person who passes, after all that person won't get the experience all the things that happen after they pass. I have lost grandparents, and it seems to fade after awhile, the constant dull thud of a life not there to be lived. But with my brother, he is there, everyday, a reminder of what could have been, a hope of what could be. And maybe it's not fair of me, to place it all on him
after all "It is what It is."
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