1 month ago
Thursday, January 8, 2009
i thought i would be stronger when it came down to this time in my granpda's dying. I walked in to his house this evening and was shocked how he had declined since Monday. He lays propped up on pillows on the couch and stares at the ceiling mostly. He's in absolutely no pain (THANK YOU GOD) and is very confused most of the time. He speaks of seeing his mother, and wanting to go to her. My father has told him if he wants to go it's okay to go. I firmly believe those who have gone before you head south for just a bit to ease your northward journey. So some may say it's the pain meds, or the cancer, or the death standing by his side; but for it's his mother waiting to be the angel who will carry him across.
We were speaking and somehow pedicures came up and I asked him if he ever thought would have started getting pedicures at 80 some odd years old and he responded by saying no, but he never thought he'd be this sick either. I guess life is full of the unexpected. He drifted off into the quite stillness that racks his life while the cancer ravages him.
I had to leave the house, I couldn't hold it together for one more minute. I didn't want to upset grandpa or buddah boy so I went out front and cried, big old, heavy, sorrowful, drowning tears.
My Mom came out and hugged me, reminded me he isn't in pain and has been the only she has ever known who says he did everything he wanted whenever he wanted. And those are good things. Very good things. But my grandpa is dying and that wounds my heart. Wounds me in a way i wasn't when my 2 other grandparents passed. Palpably wounds me. Wounds in a manner I am unsure will heal with time, if at all.
I cried the entire way home, the hyperventilating, hiccuping, snot dripping, gawd awful kind of crying. My grandpa is dying and there is nothing anyone can do to make that better or easier for him and that devastates me. I suppose I am crying because I will lose him, because it aches, because the world will lose a kind of man we need more of, and because I can do nothing to stop any of from happening.
Cancer sucks.
We were speaking and somehow pedicures came up and I asked him if he ever thought would have started getting pedicures at 80 some odd years old and he responded by saying no, but he never thought he'd be this sick either. I guess life is full of the unexpected. He drifted off into the quite stillness that racks his life while the cancer ravages him.
I had to leave the house, I couldn't hold it together for one more minute. I didn't want to upset grandpa or buddah boy so I went out front and cried, big old, heavy, sorrowful, drowning tears.
My Mom came out and hugged me, reminded me he isn't in pain and has been the only she has ever known who says he did everything he wanted whenever he wanted. And those are good things. Very good things. But my grandpa is dying and that wounds my heart. Wounds me in a way i wasn't when my 2 other grandparents passed. Palpably wounds me. Wounds in a manner I am unsure will heal with time, if at all.
I cried the entire way home, the hyperventilating, hiccuping, snot dripping, gawd awful kind of crying. My grandpa is dying and there is nothing anyone can do to make that better or easier for him and that devastates me. I suppose I am crying because I will lose him, because it aches, because the world will lose a kind of man we need more of, and because I can do nothing to stop any of from happening.
Cancer sucks.
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